Shaking Things Up

I have been having a lot of anxiety attacks recently, which leave me completely unable to work for a long time. It’s that same feeling I used to get, as if somebody were standing on my chest and choking me at the same time. Most of it stems from the fact that I feel I don’t put in as much effort as I should be if I ever want to achieve all the dreams I have for myself. That I’m not good enough for my dreams. So here’s my attempt at trying to fix that.

There are 112 hours in a week if I subtract 8 hours a day for sleep, which is pretty much how much I sleep. Now my sleep schedule isn’t exactly normal. I sleep at 6 am on average. So, my week would start from 6 am every Monday instead of the usual 12 am. 

I need to get at least 5 hours of work done everyday excluding the breaks I take in between. If I break those down into half hour chunks, then I need to get 10 of such chunks in. I also need to make sure that I have enough work to fill these chunks. So, I will also be trying to plug the holes in my knowledge of Electromagnetism which caused me to get a B in physics this semester. I will try solving more and more problems from that. 

Apart from that, I am reading everyday from the book that was given to me by my project guide. The actual physics behind the equations that I am going to be using to model the system that I have in my problem actually comes in around chapter 15 of that book, and I am currently stuck on chapter 4 because I don’t have the prerequisite mathematical knowledge. To put it simply, there are just too many terms that I don’t understand. I do my best to understand what each of them mean so I can move on better equipped but it’s getting a little too much. At one point I had like 27 tabs open on my PC. The thing is, I need the knowledge in these chapters that lead up to the chapter that I really need, so that I can understand what is actually said. So the stuff in here is like prerequisite for the chapter at the end. But, since I’m lacking the base knowledge to understand even those, I need to constantly be looking up definitions online, and you know that thing that dictionaries do? Where they explain a difficult word with another difficult word so now you have to look up that second difficult word? So you end up with something like a nested definition? That’s exactly what it is. You look up an article to understand something about something, but then they explain it using more stuff that you don’t know, and it’s just getting too much at this point and I can’t seem to figure out what part is important and what all I can just push away. 

Apart from that, I need to cut back on the time that I spend on YouTube. I need to regulate that. I need to come up with a system. So far what I have is that after each of my 30 minute work chunk, I will take a 15 minute break. So ten chunks means nine breaks. 9 times 15 is 135, which is 2 hours and 15 minutes which sounds good to me. So 5 + 2.25 + 8 = 15.25 . Which means that I am still left with around 9 hours of day left to do whatever the fuck I want. Out of that, I want to dedicate at least two hours to my musical instruments. An hour for guitar practice, and an hour for drums and flute practice combined. Let’s make that 8 hours left actually because I am pretty sure I will end up wasting at least 45 minutes during studying as well. So, after I take out the time for music practice, I am still left with 6 hours.

My motivation behind 5 hours a day isn’t actually 5 hours a day. What I actually aim for is 35 hours a week because I know I don’t really do well with daily plans.

Now that that is well and done, I plan to use those 15 minute breaks for either small YouTube videos from mainly these channels that I follow religiously – Leo Moracchioli, Post Modern Jukebox, SciShow, vlogbrothers, BrainCraft, LowkoTV. All these channels put out videos that are either around 6 – 7 minutes long or 10 – 12 minutes long (except for Lowko, who is a gamer and streams games like StarCraft which can sometimes be longer. I won’t be watching those long ones in my breaks though), which is perfect. Also, I hope to get some reading done so that I can start striking books off of my to-read list. Those 5 hours will further be divided down into 2.5 hour long chunks.

The rest of the time, I don’t really wanna bother with planning. I know it sounds like way too much time kept aside for buffer time, but seeing how I have been lately, with daily anxiety attacks and really low periods, I’m pretty sure most of those will just be wasted anyway. Also, having that much buffer time keeps me from getting stressed. 

Just one problem left. To actually be reminded that I have such a schedule planned for every week, every day that I wake up. To give you an example of what usually happens when I try to motivate myself using passive things like these : my phone wallpaper says “How bad do you want it?” which when I read it initially felt very motivational. Because in the end, that’s really all it comes down to. After I read that quote I immediately decided I wanted that as a wallpaper so that I can look at it all the time. That’s the problem – I only ended up looking at it, not reading it. Not really remembering what it stood for. So, I need something that is odd. I need something completely out of place that reminds me daily of this plan that I have for myself. Still haven’t come up with that.

I really REALLY want this plan to work, because I am sick of all the hate that I give myself for being the way that I am. I am sick of hating myself for not working hard enough to achieve the dreams of the magnitude that I have. The best physicist in the world? Not with that attitude. So yeah, time to shake things up a bit. Here’s to hoping it will work.

Also, just realised that this is 20th post on here, so yay me!


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