Out of the people that end up reading this, I don’t know how many of you will relate; but if you do, yay… I guess? I’m not aware of standard social protocol for when two people are afraid of the same thing, so let’s just leave it that.
It’s not possible for me to make a list out of this stuff because there’s really just one thing that I’m scared of the most and then the others are like sub-fears that branch out from that.
So, if anyone has been reading these posts, like I said before, one of my greatest fears is being perceived as stupid or being denied acknowledgement. I don’t care what others think about me in any other case, but this is one area where it matters. I’m not saying I’m a super genius with an intellect that rivals Einstein’s (yet) or something, but I know I’m not stupid either. I know that I’m smarter than the average person, and that is the only thing I have. My thinking, my logic, and my ideas are all that I have that I can truly call mine. People have lots of talents and different people shine in different fields, and this, my thinking, is mine. Or at least, that’s how I view myself. I am by no means trying to say that I’m somehow superior, because I also know that I’m an idiot (who procrastinates all the time and can’t keep himself motivated for long enough to actually get anything done and keeps giving depression and anxiety as excuses (yes, I do that sometimes. I lie to myself. Who doesn’t?)). So, if someone makes me out to be stupid, meaning that the only thing I considered mine is something that I’m not even good at, that would break me (and it has, in the past). Another thing that I guess builds up from this is that I want to be extraordinary. I want to be phenomenal. I want to be remembered, by the entire world. I want to do work that will be recognised by everyone. To take an example to really drive this home, consider the movie, The Theory of Everything. In that movie, Stephen Hawking has a friend (whose name I have forgotten). That friend is the supporting actor in Hawking’s biography. Being that person, is what I’m afraid of. Playing the supporting role in the biography of someone that shook the world, is what I’m afraid of. I don’t want to end up getting side tracked by anyone I know. I don’t want to end up giving interviews, telling people about how great this one person I know is. I want to be the person that people ask these questions about. I want to be that person whose friends and family people go to, whose teachers from school they track down to know what that person was like as a student (and I was a terrible one in school, is what you’d get to know if you ever did that). Not ending up as that person, is what I’m most afraid of. While I’m writing this I’m wondering why this fear doesn’t ever come up in my mind when I’m procrastinating, because it’s a hell of a driver. Maybe now that I’ve formalised and written it down, it will.
There are a lot of people that I know and have talked to that have a point of view that is completely the opposite, in the sense that they would actually love and embrace it if they got to play that supporting role. They’d feel happy and important that they could help shape the life of and leave a mark on the main character in this story that we’re talking about, and there’s obviously nothing wrong with that either, but it’s a point of view that I don’t fully comprehend.
So, there it is, my greatest fear, which I guess reflects upon my delicate self-image. That’s all for today.